You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
#NeverForget
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
A small tragedy.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up