You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]