You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Why is everyone getting married at me
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda