You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
A leaf blower, but for people.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?