You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You Might Also Like
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams