You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.