You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:


Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners


Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.


Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…


ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls


Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school