You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.