@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

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@better_off_dad2

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

@DarkerWillow

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

@sadmonsters

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

@joshgondelman

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

@xofreckles

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school