You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I think my mom just blocked me
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
How did we not see this back then?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.