You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.