“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.