“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies