“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Please do it!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.