@lcwojo

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@TheDeadfishSays

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

@TheAlexNevil

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

@dumbbeezie

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

@Bob_Heller

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

@kryzazzy

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

@mirtomtom

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen