You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
#Thanos #MondayMood
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?