You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?