@Henry_3000

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

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@dumbbeezie

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

@wildethingy

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

@ChefRonSullivan

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

@donnie_fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@AHundredElbows

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie