You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
You Might Also Like
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie