You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
the best thing i’ve ever made
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.