@Henry_3000

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

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@abrianmc

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@parkinsbrea

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

@wolfpupy

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@Arrogant_Twat

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

@GloriaFallon123

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me