Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Um, my eyes are up here.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me