You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

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“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex


HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.


Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.


“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies


*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.


Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys


I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.


Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.