You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba