You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.