You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..