You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
blocked.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job