You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
this will hang in the louvre one day