You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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Planet of the Apps.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
what could possibly go wrong?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees