You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.