You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.