You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.