You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’