You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.