You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*orders delivery*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Okay
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?