You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
You Might Also Like
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
me irl
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!