You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
BaD BoY!!
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.