You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
inside you are two wolves
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion