You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
happy valentine’s day to me
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.