You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
sigh
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind