@ozzyunc

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

You Might Also Like

@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

@Brampersandon_

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

@djdarrellripley

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

@Writepop

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

@TheRolo

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

@MomOnFire

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.