You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

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Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.


Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.


[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?


I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”


MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol


I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..


This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.


[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”


“Aren’t you going to guess?”


I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.