You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My life in a nutshell
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it