You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What the hell happened here.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway