@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

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@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@internetluke

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

@zacidk

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@MoiraInMpls

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun