You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

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There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.


Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”


I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one


was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught


I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.


Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.


5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard