@UNDEADTRESOR

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

You Might Also Like

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

@burgerkrang

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@OutOfLeftField_

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard