You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
also my go-to takeaway order
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too