You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft


Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.


There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug


Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.


If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.


Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!


Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.


Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.