@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

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@FredTaming

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@liljonlovitz

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

@markydoodoo

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

@nekolot

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

@WarrenHolstein

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@mcdadstuff

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

@_RyanFernandes_

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.