You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.