Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Body by sandwich.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….