You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.