You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
boat question
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My kitchen overserved me.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.