@thatdutchperson [blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
@Love_bug1016 “You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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@thatdutchperson 
@mmiicckkkeeyyy I’m crying im so happy for them
@canadasandra When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
@thefishpants If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
@SatiricalMommy 80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
@reallifemommy3 Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
@Soo_Scandalouss There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
@mean_crow hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
@prufrockluvsong [returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
@Angibangie Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy