@Love_bug1016

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

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@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@SatiricalMommy

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

@reallifemommy3

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@prufrockluvsong

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

@Angibangie

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy