You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
twitter is a journey
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.