You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy