You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Sunday