@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

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@liljonlovitz

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

@xosm

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

@Proxic0n

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@MaximumEfficacy

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@KatrinaGibson13

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.