You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Are we there yet?…
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second