@liljonlovitz *at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
@1Happytwit You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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@liljonlovitz 
@xosm Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
@Proxic0n [DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
@thetits [Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
@uccjeb Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
@warmyellowlight some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
@MaximumEfficacy I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
@DadandBuried Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
@MohanadElshieky You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
@KatrinaGibson13 Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.