You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.