You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Yup….perfect score!
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
When someone says you are so lazy
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?