“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Sing it!
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them