you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would