@noneofyours99

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

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@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

@pittdave13

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

@GrantTanaka

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@dlicj

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@ixix82

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

@nekolot

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor