You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink