You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.