You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers
holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sooo many times…..
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.