You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;