@TinaMav I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
@Death_Buddy You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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@TinaMav 
@MaybePileJokes co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
@elizaleela Whisper out to librarians!
@MrSandeepP This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
@urgeekisshowing Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
@kelkulus evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
@squirrel74wkgn Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
@Brianhopecomedy My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
@SirFlushaLot “This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
@PhuckinCody Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.