@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

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@citizenkawala

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@Rollinintheseat

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

@3sunzzz

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

@daemonic3

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

@RunOldMan

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

@badbanana

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*