You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.


My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.


The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.



M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”


[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt


I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.


No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*