@sixfootcandy When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
@Death_Buddy You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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@sixfootcandy 
@citizenkawala I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
@sfreeze6 My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
@Rollinintheseat The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
@3sunzzz [bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
@daemonic3 [invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
@RunOldMan I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
@badbanana No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
@JimmerThatisAll My biological clock is wheezing.
@DrDogMD PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*